Funny Stuff

[tsx_guy]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Greek8 @ Nov 16 2007, 04:03 PM) [url=index.php?act=findpost&pid=11136]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/url]</div>

Angie that is nasty. But really hilarious.

I have one that a freind txt messaged me a while back . It's not as good as the others on here but I got a kick out of it.

Guess who's still toghether after all the crap that's gone on between them?
.......Your butt cheeks.[/b]

that's even more gross...thanks for that. [img]http://coloradomazdaclub.com/forums/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[MazdaTom]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns


Dear Tom:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV, as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches appear to solve the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,

Tom

[tsx_guy]

nice!!!....I was wondering about the car too! [img]http://coloradomazdaclub.com/forums/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[MazdaTom]

Conan's SHO

[ZoomPrincess]

WAL-MART APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas
They hired him because he was so funny.....


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m . Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now

NEAREST RELATIVE.7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

[ZoomPrincess]

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge
and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says.
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[tsx_guy]

those are good, the job app and the smart ass answers I love #6. rofl!

[ZoomPrincess]

I like the response from the teacher on writing the exam. hahaha that's a classic, freaking kid thought he was going to be the smart ass, but the teacher came back .. that's great!

[tsx_guy]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (CeXy7 @ Nov 28 2007, 12:21 PM) [url=index.php?act=findpost&pid=12370]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/url]</div>

I like the response from the teacher on writing the exam. hahaha that's a classic, freaking kid thought he was going to be the smart ass, but the teacher came back .. that's great![/b]

she got him real good. other hand....nice!

[RX-7 Chris]

http://fr.youtube.com/watch?v=37iXao5REfY

[MazdaTom]

Sticking with the funny DUI theme:
http://www.break.com/index/drunk-redneck-lawnmower-dui.html

[ZoomPrincess]

[RX-7 Chris]

Those men in white coats are always so nice.

[LM]

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!

I told you so!!! And there is nothing you can do about it.

[AIM WO4]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Lightnin McQueen @ Dec 14 2007, 06:32 AM) [url=index.php?act=findpost&pid=14154]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/url]</div>

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!

I told you so!!! And there is nothing you can do about it.

[/b]

Dammit... I keep hitting the brake!